savo29

So before I left for school I semi promised myself that I would stop writing in here... but I think having an online journal is one of those irresistable temptations. When you have a bad day, you don't have to bore people with the details, you can vent to the computer and pretend someone cares. So here I am. There is no possible way that I could even begin to describe everything that has happened so far (even though it's barely been two weeks) -- the manic highs, and depressive lows. So we're going to do U of M thus far: the list.

PROS (things that rock)

- being in college (duh)
- my roomate is the coolest person on the floor (which isn't saying much, becuase 4th Cooley is probably the quietest place on campus 24/7... but she's awesome. and makes delicious homemade cakes.)
- the guy at bursley yesterday with the 4 inch long hairs growing out of his mole. revolting, yet so hard to stop looking at.
- sleeping
- being the #1 expert on the best routes from CCLittle to Pierpont (It's definitely best to take the Bursley/Baits shuttle or Northwood Express, but if it's too crowded North/South commuter will do the trick with a bit longer route.)
- house parties
- walking everywhere (i save so much on gas money!)
- playing badminton with alex every sunday (okay so we only did it once, but it is totally going to become a tradition)
- the guy who rides his bike through the diag wearing only spandex shorts (complete with leopard print thong peaking over the top) and a hot pink bra. fabulous.
- zingerman's
- the shady alley by beaners with the wall of bubble gum, and totally scene graffitti. way to beautify ann arbor.
- svetlana, my totally glamorous piano GSI -- she's always in a hurry.
- corner rooms, and the fact that my dorm room has 3 closets.
- the law quad
- the two men in lab coats I saw having an animated conversation at the bus stop this morning.
- having 23490834 intended majors
- ann arbor
- playing chicken with the bus drivers.
- the ridiculously complicated wave that goes around the entire big house. you have to be there. it is so much better than the game.
- btb, late at night, while intoxicated. perfection.
- the fact that about 2 hours ago I was having the worst day ever, and now, i'm rather chipper.
- the people.
- my color coordinated weekly schedule that has shockingly few white areas.
- being awkward, then realizing that everyone around you is awkward, and then accepting the awkwardness (which somehow makes it un-awkward).
- Jo, the random guy Sarah made-out with. sorry sarah, i had to say it. it was hilarious.
- trying to fit inside a mailbox... with marta.
- the fact that the only thing I have eaten all day is an entire bag of microwave popcorn that i devoured while writing this entry. beautiful.

CONS (things that suck)

- discovering, that no, parties are not very much fun while sober.
- i tripped three times today.
- getting your room key stolen from the bathroom at 7am
- the fact that I STILL haven't had a voice lesson
- being a second soprano in UChoir.
- having to fight to the death for a seat in my 500 seat Orgo lecture.
- accidentally skipping piano class, where your grade is attendance based.
- the way your pants get really wet on the bottom when it rains, even if you have an umbrella.
- sending angry emails, then realizing that they were completely unnecesary.
- WISE
- awkward breaks between classes that aren't long enough to eat/study, but too long to head right to class.
- the fact that the garbadge truck comes EVERY DAY at 6am, and makes those annoying 'i'm backing up' beeping noises RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW.
- people who you want to call you not calling you.
- the fact that tushar isn't pronounced like TOO-shar, but thduh-SCHAR. (ditto for abhishek, but that was much too complicated to spell phonetically)
- the damn showers being too short for me. the spout is literally at my shoulder.
- the damn showers only being hot at 7am if there are 3 showers on at once. (hint: this sucks because no one else showers at 7am, and i am too much of a damn environmentalist for my own good)
- all of the spelling errors in this entry that I am far too lazy to fix.


I am 99.9% sure that I missed tons of horrible / ridiculously awesome things that happened, but for now, I'm going to reserve judgement. This is what it is.

I can't believe I'm leaving. Tell me it's a dream. I never thought this day would ever come -- and to some extent, I still don't think it will. I was talking to Meris today and she just put it so poignantly -- 'I am dreading the moment the door to my dorm room closes behind my mother.' (or something to that extent). That sound will be the moment that marks the beginning, that heralds in the next chapter of our lives. I know all of that is one giant cliche -- but holy fuck! I am dying. It is all one giant unknown. There are 40,000 students at U of M, so I can be whoever I want to be, and get to know whomever I want to...

Most importantly, I don't even know what office supplies to buy! Up until now it has always been the same -- and binder and matching notebook for each class. But who KNOWS how those crazy college kids role. FUCK. My brother knows some kid who just carries around a box full of legal pads. Since I was five years old, buying school supplies has always ushered in the school year -- crisp new notebooks, and sparkling clean pencil cases untouched by the scum of erasures and graphite -- but now, I'm buying a refridgerater and lamps. I thought I was so grown up -- working two jobs and paying for my own gas -- but I can't even deal with moving and hour away!

As pessimistic as this all sounds, I'm not dreading moving at all. In fact, it's the anticipation that's killing me. I may not be prepared in any way (mentally, or in terms of things packed), but the waiting it what's slowly eating away at me. It's all so unknown, so agonizing over what it will be like is the most painful.

In other news, my mother and I went clothes shopping today at Somerset. It was a rather ridiculous experience. My mother usually guilts me into buying what she likes (which is usually off the sale rack), but today, she simply would not say no to me. About halfway through, like a good little catholic, I felt so guilty, I made her take me back to Nordstroms to return the $198 7 for all Mankind jeans she bought me. I still made away like a burglar with the money spent on my clothes in one day totalling probably more than my mother has ever spent on herself -- but it just added on to the feeling of change. And for all you anthropologie lovers out there -- brace yourself. Guess who owns them? Only the devil himself (ie Urban Outfitters -- master of cheaply made, overly trendy, much much too appealing, and grossly over priced clothes). Seriously. I was pissed. It has ruined anthropologie for me. I ended up buying far too many sweaters and no jeans at all (since my guilt forced me to return the most fabulous pieces of denim ever to touch my skin), so we're going to Meridian mall tomorrow. It's just all so surreal. When I don't get things, I feel a little bit cheated -- like my parents have all this money, why can't I have a little? But GOD it feels worse to get some of it (okay alot of it...). I just can't stand taking my parents money... and for what? Frivolous things I don't really need, but despite global warming, crisis in the middle east, and civil war in darfur, still desperately want. I'm so damn PETTY! why am i even writing about this? is this relevant? i am relevant? FUCK. I need to sleep.

Yesterday was... nothing short of ridiculous. I seriously wasn't planning on having any sort of get together when I stayed home from going Up North with my family... it just sort of spontaneously happened last night. I guess the original intent was just to have a few people over, have some cocktails, get a little tipsy, and then play board games or something stupid. Well clearly, that didn't happen. First of all, the very people I didn't want to come (random, destructive people I don't know) ended up showing up at my door... and who am I to turn them away? I guess that fact that I was more high/drunk (on life...clearly) than I have ever been sort of didn't make any decisive action a possibility. Everything that happened was really entirely my fault... i never should have let myself go so far. Let me just tell you... cleaning up other people's vomit is really not my idea of a lazy sunday... and I plan to do whatever it takes to avoid doing it again... Cleaning off both of Alex's bed covers, and taking them to the laundromat, scrubbing out the inside of the garage where someone conveniently spewed their dinner, discovering random splotches on my couch, skirt and towels scattered throughout the house... i guess you get the picture... it was pretty gross. and the fucking hole in my wall? i'm not really angry that it happened, i just wish someone would own up to doing it. i could never imagine myself busting a hole in someone's wall and not even offering to help fix it or pay for it... especially when they run the risk of getting caught by their completely trusting parents. i seriously owe the biggest thank you in the world to marta and stefan... without them, i don't know what i would have done. i mean... stefan freaking went to home depot and picked up stuff to try and patch up the wall... and even plastered it all up... out of the goodness of his heart. and he's not even the one who broke it. and marta is always willing to pitch in, and never the one who needs to be taken care of... it's just nice to know that I have such good friends who will help me out not matter what. not that anyone else was a bad friend or anything... kelley helped with the morning after offering free coffee and scones, and lots of bitches stuck around to help clean up. overall, it was really not that bad, and I think i can get everything back to normal before my parents get home... i just really feel as if it wasn't worth it... at all. i think i'm done partying for a while... i honestly have more fun when i'm sober.

So I guess it's back to reality for me. Vacation has been... lots of things. I'm sitting here in the lobby of our hotel in Great Falls (quite possibly the only place in the entire state of Montana that has internet access) typing this entry and hiding from my family. For the past week and a half I have been so isolated -- so cut off from the 'real world'. It's so weird to finally be back to a place that has television, phones, the internet, and CLOCKS.

Glacier National Park was incredible. I know none of you care, and you will all absolutely loathe me when I post 10928323 pictures of mountains on Facebook, but the beauty there is seriously unbelievable. We ended up hiking an average of 12-17 miles a day, which may not sound like a lot, but when you are hiking thousands of feet up rocky terrain... it's pretty damn strenuous. It also leaves you alot of time for contemplation -- time for just you and your thoughts. As much as my family annoys me, and drives me crazy, I have realized on this trip that the members of your family are the only people who have to put up with you and all your idiosyncrasies and foibles -- they are yours for good. And I need to learn to show my appreciation for them. In fact, I need to learn show lots of people how much I care. People and relationships are seriously the only meaningful thing in this life, and most of the time I just take them for granted. In the end, it doesn't matter how much money you have, or what career you choose -- if you are alone, your life is meaningless. And just going along with that, I need to learn to appreciate myself. You can't go around thinking of yourself as inferior, because it forces others to think that of you as well.

Enough philosophical crap. Let's just say I thought alot on this vacation, and I know I don't have everything figured out (more like I don't have anything figured out), but I think that college and a new environment next year will help me do just that. And yes, college is soon. SO soon. And I still have to pick out my bedding! My god. So much to do.

When I started writing this I felt like I had alot more to say... but now I'm just feeling sort of drained. My knees feel like water balloons, my sunburned scalp is throbbing, and I have the strangest tan lines (okay fine BURN lines) known to man -- I am pretty much physically wrecked -- but really, empty is not so much of a bad feeling. I know that the second I get back into Okemos I will be swamped with responsibility, work, and worry. So for now, I'm just going to go to bed. Perhaps tomorrow I will share the funniest of the Voice Family Vacation Moments -- or perhaps not. I think my family is one of those things you only get if you're in it.

So I'm at work again... updating my journal on the sly. Oh the hazards of working at a computer.

The past couple of days have been fairly uneventful. Jenny and Whitney-boos party was definitely the most fun I've had in a while -- Whitney is a bar-tending genius, and cloves are definitely the smoking choice of the gods -- but in true good-girl form I totally had the most innocent Saturday and Sunday ever conceivedd. After sleeping until 3 (PM) My mother and I did 'dinner and a movie' -- tabouli with hummus and an inconvenient truth respectively -- and the next day, inspired by Al Gore's riveting story of impending doom, we rode our bikes to church and the MAC. Sunday evening, Jeannie and I had yet another heart to heart in my music room, munching peanut butter cookies, and vowing to lose ten pounds.

and then Monday

I awoke at 7 AM to my mother screeching at me to come outside and help her jump the car (which we were not successful at, and ended up calling a towing service anyway) and to 'get my damn laundry out of the hall. good start. I got to work at around 9, caffiene deprived (due to a stop at Beaners in which i realized I had forgotten my wallet) and cranky, only to spend all day getting black sediment all over my favorite pair of jeans, and realizing that no, indeed, my jobs are NOT better than flipping burgers. i guess i take that back. apparently I DO get paid for 24 hours a day for the sampling trip I took, and even though MSU isn't allowed to pay me more than 40 hours a week, my adviser said to just fill in 40 hours until the end of the summer, no matter what. at 9 dollars an hour, that totally adds up. Anyway, I left work at 5 and headed to the MAC to relieve some frustration only to realize that every single treadmill was taken, and waiting around until some overly-fit freak finally finished. Still frustrated beyond belief I arrived home with the intention of drowning my sorrows in a hot and frothy bubble bath. But no sooner had I submerged my tired body and begun to shampoo my aching head, when my mother (for the second time that day) shrieked at me to get out immediatly. Apparently she saw a bolt of lightning, and was absolutely convinced I would die if I stayed in the bathtub. So out I came, shampoo and all, to wallow in the horrible-ness of my day.

I suppose you could say today is going a bit better -- I almost slept through my eye doctor's appointment, and when I finally did get there, I had to wait for an hour just to get my pupils dilated. If you've never had that done, wow are you lucky. First of all, it makes you incredibly sensitive to light, and you can't focus on things right in front of you -- ie a computer screen. Indeed right now, I am sitting about 4 feet away from the screen with the keyboard in my lap just to type this stupid entry. I have a raging headache (probably from trying to do my job), and the lady at Beaners almost didn't sell me coffee because she thought I was high (my pupils are literally the size of nickels). So how's that for the start to the week.

I like Wednesdays, so perhaps tomorrow will be better. And there's always tonight...

PLUS I get paid friday (finally). My paycheck is going to be HUGE. Although I do owe my parents $130 for my ticket, 50% goes to college and 10% for retirement... so... well... that leaves me with not so much. Fortunately the $360 I owe my parents from last summer was pardoned... or forgotten about... I forget which. Whatever.

Why does money seriously seem to be the most important thing in the world? I hate money. I wish that chocolate were currency. Actuallly, then I would just eat all of my money, and then be poor and fat. But seriously. The world is in a state of crisis. Global warming, the energy crisis, the ENTIRE middle east, North Korea, president bush, the war in Iraq (which i guess qualifies as the middle east), the newest tsunami... god what ISN'T going wrong in this world? And what is it that we Americans worry about? Money. money money money. It's not even pretty. or tasty.

I'm at work right now. Shh... don't tell. I've just been feeling so... restless lately. In the best possible way. I'm usually so freakin' responsible -- I do what I'm told, I get good grades, I make basically good decisions, I have two effing jobs... I am seriously straight edge.

Maybe it's just the summer, or the fact that I'm officially out of high school and legally an adult, but I am in the mood for some serious mayhem, and completely irresponsible decisions.

My parents seem to find fault in what I do, no matter how good I am, and after years of trying to prove them wrong, and do everything right, I've finally given up.

Actually that's pretty much bullshit. I'm just rationalizing, justifying. There is no reason other than I am sick of being good, and I'm in the mood for mayhem. To tell the truth, I kinda suck at being bad, and this is seriously going to be hard -- no laughing. Well, I don't care. I suppose I'm determined.

I've got a good mind to throw it all away...

We shall see what tomorrow brings...

Finally, at last! All my hopes, my dreams, and my prayers have come true! GUESS who I saw together at the gas station with U-Haul truck full of their belongings, by all appearances eloping to some more accepting state. GUESS!!!


okay. you'll never get it.


Tom Staudt and Seth Meyer. No joke. Okay so I don't know that the U-Haul was full of their belongings, or that they were eloping to Massachusetts, but seriously folks. What WERE Tom and Seth doing at the Okemos Speedway together with a U-Haul? Who knows. But for all of those disbelievers out there, when they announce their engagement or perhaps their drivethrough wedding in Vegas... I TOTALLY called it.

So I suppose I've gone from not updating enough, to updating too much. Hey, it's summer! I do what I want.

I got up at the ass crack of dawn today to take that calc test, but honestly, I didn't really mind. I really like having something to do. Actually accomplishing something in my day. It felt so good today when the student I work for emailed me to say that the scan I started before I left not only worked, but turned out perfectly. Indeed this may sound trivial, but considering I was seriously worried that I had broken the scanner that probably costs more than I will ever make in my lifetime, it felt wonderful to hear that I did it right -- no, I did it well.

So maybe I still have alot to do -- thank you notes for many a graduation check, finding a second job, keeping my parents happy, learning physics etc. etc... -- but this is so much better than sitting around all summer watching terrible daytime television, or even working around the house for my parents. Yeah sure Great Harvest was a real job, but I didn't really have that for most of the summer. All of this -- it's not really independence, but it's definitely a start. It's late, and I'm tired (cus now I'm a freakin' working adult), so once again, I will close with Sarah's Hilarious Moment of the Day :

The Grad student I work for is probably the nicest guy you will ever meet. He's kinda chubby,indian,is very very intelligent, and wears glasses. So you can imagine my surprise when I open the door to the computer lab in the basement to discover him seriously singing along to N'Sync. But wait, it gets better. Not only did he not stop when I entered, but he did not even seem to comprehend that this was anything out of the ordinary. He just smiled and kept singing. Then, to my utter glee, the song ended, and what should be next on the playlist, but ABBA! Believe me, he knew all the words to 'Does Your Mother Know' as well.

Today was a good day.

I had my first full day of work, and although most of the time I was completely lost, I felt very accomplished at the end.

I learned how to use and program Non-Destructive imaging scanner.
I attended my first 'meeting'.
I built a circuit connecting a location data collector to a sensor ALL BY MYSELF.

Too bad that's only 15 hours a week at most. Although I did randomly get a 1$ pay raise. Now I make 9$ an hour -- which is entirely obscene considering about how useful I was today.... but still. I'll take it.

In any case, I still have to find another job, which is officially this week's goal. Job hunting. So here are my options (as I see it):

Great Harvest - beg for my job back, facing humiliation and possible rejection (Not my favorite option)
String Connection - hopefully the fact that I can tell the difference between a cello and bass will earn me some brownie points.
Breadsmith - I technically do have previous experience with bread...
J. Crew / Banana Republic - Pretty much my summer dream job, although 75% of my paycheck would probably be spent in the store...
Chapbook Cafe - I hear they have already hired a whole bunch of High School kids, but hey, it's worth the shot at the discount on books.

At this point I get stuck. I need about 109283019238 more places to apply since jobs are scarce, but dude, I am picky. No fast food, no boring jobs, no huge chains... I'm kinda limited. Oh Well.

I suppose I must be off to study. Yes indeed Sarah procrastinated making up her chapter 13 & 14 Calc test until THE VERY LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. Sweet. I am going to leave you with one last image --

I was driving down Grand River when all of a sudden this Red Mustang zooms into view and starts hardcore riding my tail. Annoyed, I merge into the other lane, and glance to my left to see what punk-ass kid would do such a thing. And there, blasting rock music, sits the most crotchety ancient old lady I have ever seen, complete with poofy white perm and floral nightie. Needless to say, it was amazing.

hmm. i wrote an entry last night, and then deleted it this morning. if you did happen to read it in the short time it was up, all the sentiments hold true, i just decided that starting the drama really wasn't worth it. that's it.